What do we owe our children? Are we wrong to spend our time and money on ourselves when our children are having hard times? These questions come up for discussion over and over again among parents of adult children.
Some of these parents are part of the self made generation who started with little and became successful through years of thrift and hard work. Some pursued higher education and paid for it themselves, others did not go to college. Their goal was to give their children the comforts and advantages that they missed when they were growing up. They reminisce about their immigrant parents and are proud of their own independence and that, on their own, they became more successful than their parents. They are critical of their adult children who seem to feel entitled to the luxuries that their parents waited for for many years. Parents seem unaware that by rescuing and indulging, they helped to mold their children into adults who are less resilient when they fall on hard time. Unlike the parent's generation, their adult children are not as independent and are quite comfortable asking for childcare help or for money to help them maintain their expensive lifestyles.
Some parents of the senior generation have trouble giving to themselves long after the financial necessity of counting pennies has past. The other day I spoke with an 90 year old woman who was wracked with guilt at the thought of spending some of her dwindling financial resources on her own medical needs at a time when her married child's business was slow. She was quite able to empathize with his financial concerns, but did not feel entitled to expenditures for herself that she would consider luxuries, but were truly necessities. This was very disturbing to me.
So what do we owe them? One excellent answer came from Jonas Salk. He said "Good parents give their children roots and wings." Roots give them a knowledge of home and keep them grounded through tough times, and wings recognize the need for autonomy so that they feel comfortable venturing out into the world and maybe even flying farther than we ever did. Perhaps as we recognize their strengths and encourage their autonomy, we can develop a more mutual relationship with our adult children.